John Milton is most well-known for his epic retelling of man’s fall from grace, Paradise Lost. However, less commonly known is the subsequent work in which mankind is delivered from the peril of eternal damnation, Paradise Found. One of the most academically scrutinized excerpts from this tome around the discovery of what Milton calls “The Eden of the West”:
“And that these two starving, naked, bestial creatures
so far from the arms of their loving father
cast out and banished, seemingly fated to wander or’ the vast plains of oblivion
should stumble so serendipitously across such a magical place
that all their woes were instantly quelled, their fears assuaged – the place they called
“The Wild Cow” – where, to here from the eldest among us,
the keepers and guardians of the Word, was to be found in abundance
a dish most holy and abundant in flavor, with won’drous bits of Coconut-Curry Marinated Tofu
served over organic brown rice, and what’s more, with peppers and onions of the most spectacular sort. ”
Scholars have naturally puzzled over this curious passage for decades. The precision of its prophetic reports have, to our great benefit, come to pass on this exact day in October 2011, at 1896 Eastland Avenue – exactly at the latitude and longitude which Milton so long ago foretold. In the penultimate book, a “revelation” of sorts, Milton adopts the attitude and register of a bone-fide soothsayer -
“And lo, there earth shook, and the heavens trembled,
and upon them were vast triumphant multitudes,
an endless heavenly host of dessertly vegan-ness -
Pumpkin Cupcakes, Free of Gluten, encrust’d with a Maple Frosting
Cupcakes once more, gentle Bananas and Cream, kindly Orange Blossom Almond,
And the war-like hoard of Chocolateers- Ganache, Coconut, Germanic
And the fearless fiend himself, who’s name falls terribly upon the ears of the unawesome -
Cookies and Cream Cake, destroyer of hunger, king of kings,
surrounded on his pedestal by Peanut Butter Swirl Brownies, and their snivleing counterparts,
the tempestuous Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches…”
Milton goes on to mention several other semi-dieties in this doomsday scenario, including the iconic Raw Banana Chocolate Cheesecake, Giant Chocolate Filled Cookies n’ Cream Cupcakes, and Vegan Rum Raisin and Coffee Ice Cream.
John Milton: Genius or Heretic? Come into the Wild Cow today and judgment shall be yours to dispense…
