Aquarius – With the moon in the house of Capricorn and Mercury in retrograde, making decisions might get a little bit foggy for you. In these situations, following the spontaneous suggestions of someone close to you will prove quite beneficial. For instance, when your friend calls you up and says, “Hey, wanna grab lunch? The Wild Cow has a special that looks really freaking good today- it’s Sage-Roasted Portabello Mushrooms with Beets, Spinach, and Shallots over Israeli Couscous, topped with Garlic Aioli,” you’d be doing yourself a favor to take them up on that offer.
Pisces – Those rigid patterns of thought have had you in shackles for far too long, my friend. Routines and rituals are important, but don’t you think you’re taking it a little far, ALWAYS ordering the SAME thing? After all, there’s a fine line between having a tried-and-true flavorite and complacency. Go out on a limb today, Pisces, and try a smorgasbord of alternatives – how about a three-side plate with Curried Lentil Soup with Sweet Potatos, Roasted Brussel Sprouts, and Chipotle-Black Bean Texas Hummus? It’s time to conquer your fear that you might like what you haven’t yet tried.
Aries – You don’t need me to tell you that someone very special and dear to you is about to endure severe emotional hardship, Aries. The clouds of this storm have obviously been brewing for a while, and though it pains your heart, so far you’ve been powerless to do anything but stand back and watch them gather. However, it’s important not to get down on yourself for what you can’t control, instead focusing your energy into the relief that will make life bearable for your company when the storm finally hits. So, what’ll you be bringing him or her in his or her moment of distress – Flying Elvis Cake? A Gluten-Free Red Velvet, Chocolate Rosewater, Elvis, Lavender Vanilla, or Chocolate-filled Cookies n’ Cream Cupcake? A Pirouette Cookie? A Slice of Raw Bleuberry Lemon “Cheesecake”? OR WILL YOU FAIL AS A FRIEND AS YOU ALWAYS DO, ARIES, HUHN? WILL YOU BLOW IT AGAIN? YOU LOSER, YOU’LL NEVER MAKE ANYONE HAPPY, YOUR LIFE IS A JOKE THAT MIGHT BE FUNNY IF IT WEREN’T SO SAD YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT YEAH YOU DO AHGJAGJAFJAJSFJJASJFJJJJJ
(…all other signs are advised to directly imitate these three)